Listen Up!

by myminddrifts

How can anyone expect to build a relationship with someone unless they listen to them? Maybe the things they say won’t always make sense or you just won’t want to hear it, but in order to gain the slightest understanding of what someone is thinking or feeling you begin by just listening.

Today I got in an argument with my dad because he literally can’t keep quiet and listen to someone for more than 2 minutes without interjecting with questions that would be answered if he listened or without getting distracted by something or someone else or just hushing you to cast his one sided judgement in the matter. I always blamed my mothers alcoholism on the fact that we’ve never built a real solid relationship (which is an additive) when in fact its that he just doesn’t listen. Today he told me “I don’t even care to hear your story, it doesn’t matter, it hasn’t worked.” When he said that I wanted to burst into tears, but instead I just shouted “And see that is not how you go about talking to someone, you learn to listen to them no matter what! You just don’t go about it that way!! And you have always done this to me.” He went on to tell me what I needed to do…in other words what you think and how you feel doesn’t matter just shut your mouth and do as I say. I just walked away and of course later on I am approached as if nothing ever happened because my feelings or thoughts don’t really matter. 

Its a very lonely and heart breaking feeling to think no one really cares to understand you. A huge reason my boyfriend and I broke up was because I felt neglected by him. His neglect of course was unintentional, but it is still hard when your own family already doesn’t listen to you and you’ve always felt like the black sheep. Whats even worse is that once I got him to understand that I need more support and attention he agreed that he neglects me. Instead of trying to stay with me and work on this he admittedly said he has been selfish for neglecting me and adding to my hurt. He decided that he needs to grow as a man because I deserve better. It is great that he wants to grow as a man, but I will never understand how he came to the conclusion to handle my feelings of being neglected by abandoning me. Sure, you don’t want to hurt me anymore…but don’t you think this hurts more than if you would actually man up and try to work on this with me together? I don’t know, I suppose it just isn’t “meant to be.” Although, I can’t say I believe in the whole meant to be thing because I believe you choose who you love and who your willing to work for. 

Anyway, when I thought about why it is people fail to listen to me I can’t help, but ask myself what I do or don’t do that makes them not listen to me. For one, I don’t always voice my needs or how I feel because I feel they aren’t important or I don’t want to burden others. I have to change that way of thinking because its creating a self-fufilling prophecy in that others really do respond to me in that way.

Second, I need to go out of my way to reach out to others and let them know I feel its important that they stop and just listen to me for awhile. I am constantly keeping to myself or putting up this facade like everything is okay or that I can do it on my own when in reality sometimes I just want to be coddled like a 3 year old who just scrapped their knee after falling off their tricycle. I would describe myself as a skull—I hold a thick tough exterior on the outside that acts as protection or a barrier, but in reality the inside consists of a delicate human brain that can be easily shaken, bruised or penetrated. This past week has felt like I’ve been beaten and left with a subdural hematoma yet I have no doctors rush me to emergency surgery —I am drowning in my own blood. 

Lastly, what I am learning is that maybe I just need to listen. I feel like I have always been a pretty good listener willing to show empathy, but maybe I don’t listen as well as I think I am. What made me really come to this conclusion is first off, my relationship with God…how well have I been listening to him? Not well at all. Yes, I believe in him and love him dearly, but I haven’t been really following His Word of Commandments. It is quite evident that my relationship with God was suffering and it wasn’t because He’s not listening to me, but because I wasn’t listening to Him. Not only can I apply this to my relationship with God, but maybe my dad. Often times I don’t take the time to hear how he is doing or what he is feeling—I assume that because he is the parent he should assume the responsibility of listening to his childs issues and fixing them when in reality it should be a give and take situation. Lastly, I am sure I could have been a better listener in my relationship with my ex. There are times when he was venting to me and instead of being a sympathetic ear I just tried to contradict his feelings and tell him he’s better than what he was feeling when in reality as stated above sometimes you don’t want to hear that—you just want to be listened to and coddled. 

So whats next? My goal is to be a better listener. I know you’re thinking: “Well how does that solve your problem? Still no one is there to listen to you.” Well, I think by starting with myself I will hopefully be an example for those around me. Maybe they will think to themselves “I love the way K-(ahh almost got me to share my name with you, you sneaks!) listens to me I should reciprocate it and use it towards my other relationships.” Until then I have this blog and of course God.