Someone once asked me “If you could go ANYWHERE in the world where would you go…” Well, I would go where all the missing pairs to your socks are…the place where wallets, keys, cell phones, rings and other miscellaneous items vanish to never be found or reunited again! When I got there I’d marvel over all the lost items, especially the quirky ones, and I’d ask them how they all got here and I bet they’d have some pretty funny stories to share! Yeah…that’s where I’d go!

My heART

I know my posts have been down and dismal, but unfortunately that is just how I’ve honestly felt. I am choosing to trust in the Lord, but it doesn’t mean I still don’t experience the reality of the pain…however, today I want to post about something that really makes me happy, makeup.

Something you may not know about me yet is I am a makeup artist. A starving and struggling artist to say the least. On Saturday I worked on four lovely bridesmaids and one blushing bride! Not to mention that afterwards I was rushed for more appointments in a makeup store I work at. Believe me– I was exhausted seeing as I only slept for three hours and were on my feet for over nine hours, but never did it feel like a burden or even work! I loved every minute of what I was doing and I was one with time–no minute proceeded me nor I it. For the first time in a long while I felt…for lack of a better word…connected again.  Through my art I was able to feel my full heart again in a way that was painless. With each brush stroke, contour and highlight I felt worthy and purposeful again. Through my art I felt truly peaceful and free. You know how some runners describe these transcendental states when they are in nature? They run and run until they can feel each bead of sweat trickle down their chilled goose bumped skin and each inhalation becomes more shallow like their lungs are about to explode–they continue and after they push past this pain they experience pleasure, even euphoria, as they become one with nature. This is how my art makes me feel…

What continues to be a reminder of my passion and true inspiration are the strangers who take the time to compliment my work and best of all is when they exclaim–you are a true artist! Compliments of course make everyone feel good, but hearing these words give so much more meaning to my art. My art isn’t a mere hobby instead people are moved and inspired by what I am doing. Their words catapult me in the air like a child on a swing who soars to the top and floats down feeling the wind collide against their cheeks as butterflies swarm their bellies leaving them happily breathless–then they lunge themselves forward to kick, push and fight just to feel this sensation all over again.  My art may never change the world, but if it can give rise to growth of my heart, soul and mind while inspiring a few others I label that as ultimate success.

So many people …

So many people spend all their lives running from something that is not even chasing them.

Listen Up!

How can anyone expect to build a relationship with someone unless they listen to them? Maybe the things they say won’t always make sense or you just won’t want to hear it, but in order to gain the slightest understanding of what someone is thinking or feeling you begin by just listening.

Today I got in an argument with my dad because he literally can’t keep quiet and listen to someone for more than 2 minutes without interjecting with questions that would be answered if he listened or without getting distracted by something or someone else or just hushing you to cast his one sided judgement in the matter. I always blamed my mothers alcoholism on the fact that we’ve never built a real solid relationship (which is an additive) when in fact its that he just doesn’t listen. Today he told me “I don’t even care to hear your story, it doesn’t matter, it hasn’t worked.” When he said that I wanted to burst into tears, but instead I just shouted “And see that is not how you go about talking to someone, you learn to listen to them no matter what! You just don’t go about it that way!! And you have always done this to me.” He went on to tell me what I needed to do…in other words what you think and how you feel doesn’t matter just shut your mouth and do as I say. I just walked away and of course later on I am approached as if nothing ever happened because my feelings or thoughts don’t really matter. 

Its a very lonely and heart breaking feeling to think no one really cares to understand you. A huge reason my boyfriend and I broke up was because I felt neglected by him. His neglect of course was unintentional, but it is still hard when your own family already doesn’t listen to you and you’ve always felt like the black sheep. Whats even worse is that once I got him to understand that I need more support and attention he agreed that he neglects me. Instead of trying to stay with me and work on this he admittedly said he has been selfish for neglecting me and adding to my hurt. He decided that he needs to grow as a man because I deserve better. It is great that he wants to grow as a man, but I will never understand how he came to the conclusion to handle my feelings of being neglected by abandoning me. Sure, you don’t want to hurt me anymore…but don’t you think this hurts more than if you would actually man up and try to work on this with me together? I don’t know, I suppose it just isn’t “meant to be.” Although, I can’t say I believe in the whole meant to be thing because I believe you choose who you love and who your willing to work for. 

Anyway, when I thought about why it is people fail to listen to me I can’t help, but ask myself what I do or don’t do that makes them not listen to me. For one, I don’t always voice my needs or how I feel because I feel they aren’t important or I don’t want to burden others. I have to change that way of thinking because its creating a self-fufilling prophecy in that others really do respond to me in that way.

Second, I need to go out of my way to reach out to others and let them know I feel its important that they stop and just listen to me for awhile. I am constantly keeping to myself or putting up this facade like everything is okay or that I can do it on my own when in reality sometimes I just want to be coddled like a 3 year old who just scrapped their knee after falling off their tricycle. I would describe myself as a skull—I hold a thick tough exterior on the outside that acts as protection or a barrier, but in reality the inside consists of a delicate human brain that can be easily shaken, bruised or penetrated. This past week has felt like I’ve been beaten and left with a subdural hematoma yet I have no doctors rush me to emergency surgery —I am drowning in my own blood. 

Lastly, what I am learning is that maybe I just need to listen. I feel like I have always been a pretty good listener willing to show empathy, but maybe I don’t listen as well as I think I am. What made me really come to this conclusion is first off, my relationship with God…how well have I been listening to him? Not well at all. Yes, I believe in him and love him dearly, but I haven’t been really following His Word of Commandments. It is quite evident that my relationship with God was suffering and it wasn’t because He’s not listening to me, but because I wasn’t listening to Him. Not only can I apply this to my relationship with God, but maybe my dad. Often times I don’t take the time to hear how he is doing or what he is feeling—I assume that because he is the parent he should assume the responsibility of listening to his childs issues and fixing them when in reality it should be a give and take situation. Lastly, I am sure I could have been a better listener in my relationship with my ex. There are times when he was venting to me and instead of being a sympathetic ear I just tried to contradict his feelings and tell him he’s better than what he was feeling when in reality as stated above sometimes you don’t want to hear that—you just want to be listened to and coddled. 

So whats next? My goal is to be a better listener. I know you’re thinking: “Well how does that solve your problem? Still no one is there to listen to you.” Well, I think by starting with myself I will hopefully be an example for those around me. Maybe they will think to themselves “I love the way K-(ahh almost got me to share my name with you, you sneaks!) listens to me I should reciprocate it and use it towards my other relationships.” Until then I have this blog and of course God. 

No “Strings” Attached–This ones a little graphic!!

In the last week or so I lost about ten pounds…I think between the stress of finals and going through a break up my appetite has been severely curbed and neglected. I noticed that my period was running late, but I didn’t freak out really because I just figured it was from the weight loss all the stress was causing a hormonal imbalance.

Well, once my period did begin I realized that it was non-normal for me. I tend to be heavy for about four days, medium on the fifth and light on the sixth and seventh. Yes—I have horrible periods that are long and heavy. This time however, I noticed I was heavy one day and light for the rest of the days. I typically have to wear huge pads because they are the only thing that protects me. Wearing pads became increasingly bothersome as I was barely bleeding. So on Saturday I wasn’t really bleeding, but I had to work so I decided to wear a tampon JUST IN CASE thinking it’d be a little more comfy. After work I changed my tampon and didn’t find much on it, but I decided that since I was going out I would wear one just in case because normally I would still be on my period. 

Saturday evening I was under the spell of vodka and tequila; two most deadly poisons. During that time I lost both my keys and phone, but apparently I contacted my ex boyfriend via Facebook to come pick me up. He of course did come pick me and I was a mess…and somewhere along the way we ended having intercourse (which we actually try really hard not to do because of religious purposes). 

The next day I felt complete ambivalence. I was ashamed of my complete and utter lack of control; excessive drinking, losing my phone, my keys, contacting my ex and having sex. However, I also felt complete and giddy having him in my presence…him holding me and telling me he loves me… it was as if my heart was a hardened, crumbled up blackened rose that re-blossomed and softened, our time was beautiful. I missed him so much and my self-destructive behavior put him in front of me even if for only a couple hours. 

Later on when I got home and of course after being told by my ex that  I was coping in all the wrong ways…I felt horrible shame and guilt no more or less worthy than a prisoner on death row for murder because I was brutally assassinating my own soul. I myself, hijacked my own morals, self-esteem and even worldly possessions and now it was time for me to apprehend my heart and mind and investigate it as crime scene. In addition to what felt like my metaphysical death I felt physically deceased. I was getting a fever, chills, headache, couldn’t keep down food and trouble sleeping. Sounds like nothing more than a killer hang over right? Well day two and three kick in and I am still horribly ill and now also feeling fatigue, dizziness and nausea. I think to myself well it must be a manifestation of how distraught I am over the break up especially after seeing him and feeling him…it must have shattered my already fragile psyche…

Yesterday I filled my day and evening with prayers for forgiveness and devoted to reading Psalms. In my readings I was overwhelmed by how much God really wants to protect us and be our shelter even when we falter. It is Him we should seek whenever we feel assaulted or attacked not booze, sex or ex’s. I started to pray and pray for his protection against arrows (things meant to harm you psychologically emotionally, etc), terrors (evils of man such as rape, murder, beatings, etc), pestilence (illness, germs, all of the yucky physical ailments I was feeling), and destruction (natural disasters).

While reading this book and making my prayers I get the overwhelming sense to use the restroom. I go and I think I need to throw up which doesn’t happen…so I try the other end…nothing happens. Then right when I am about to give up I start to urinate. Upon urination I feel something push threw me. My mind drifts and I panic mentally, but try to remain physically calm. I start to think to myself what if I was pregnant and I am pushing out a still born fetus?! This is perhaps why my period was so strange maybe it wasn’t a real period at all maybe it was spot bleeding due to abnormalities that occur during pregnancy—maybe even from the binge drinking. I finally get the courage to get up and look inside the toilet…and again ambivalence! Is that a…is that even possible…it is a tampon! 

It turns out that I had had sexual intercourse with my tampon still inside me because I was so drunk that I didn’t even realize it was inside of me. Don’t ask me how I didn’t know or didn’t feel it because I was so horribly intoxicated that I don’t even remember the sex or most of the night for that matter. I want to point out that because it had been inside of me for so many days I was suffering from signs of toxic shock syndrome which why I had been so ill. I know I sound like a horribly hypocritical person as I discuss how in one night I drank myself to oblivion and then had sexual intercourse with my ex boyfriend only to turn to God and prayer the next day…but I want to point out that I am christian and that just means I make mistakes (Huge ones sometimes!! Even life threatening!), I falter and sometimes push away from Gods grace, but in the end I find my way and I do rely on God to pick me up and teach me lessons.

I want to point out here that I prayed for pestilence and told the Lord that I would trust him to keep me safe and healthy and soon after I am dispersing this tampon from my body. I know it sounds crazy (and disgusting), but upon reading, many times women who wear tampons often, do actually forget they are wearing them and days later finally remember. Upon remembering they have to fish them out themselves or go to the doctors office for help. I, on the other hand, had no clue it was inside me and it dispersed itself on its own. Had it not done so I would have never known there was a tampon lodge deep inside me and toxic shock could have taken over my entire body leaving me hospitalized or even dead. I don’t think its coincidence that following my prayer to rebuke pestilence and trust in the Lord that this strange event happened.

I am feeling a lot better after the incident and today although my appetite is still off. As I said earlier I lost about 10lbs in a week which may very well be a symptom of stress from school and the breakup. This would also explain why my period was so off because women need leptin cells aka fat for healthy hormonal production and to spark their periods. This is why when you think about athletic women such as gymnasts, who have low cal intake, can go months without having a period. Sorry for this tangent where I go off and teach you about the wonders of the women body! 

Anyway, I just want to conclude with…I give glory to God because despite how imperfect I am He still gave me grace and healed me from pestilence — and all I had to do was repent and seek His refuge. 

Secret

“I am happy I finally got to see you the other day, but it made me miss you more.”

I almost sent that to you several times, but I know its not a good idea. Why open up pandoras box…either your response will be you miss me too which will hurt because I know it doesn’t change a thing… or I’ll find out that you’re not really missing me which will feel like a tazor shock to my heart. Break ups are always hard, but last week it didn’t feel like this…

Holding you, touching you, seeing you really broke me down. Honestly, I haven’t felt this sad in forever despite all the mishaps in my life. I tell myself this is just a phase. I am acting childish…I know things happen for a reason and year from now I will look back and think how silly I was behaving, its not the end of the world or love. I can’t help it though…I really can’t, I feel an overwhelming sense of this all being wrong. My heart feels like its been trampled by a dozen horses, but hasn’t lost all life yet…it struggles with each beat it takes collecting all the dirt its being soiled and trampled in. In certain instances it feels like its not going to beat on, but then it gives out a small pitter patter. I still can’t believe you and I ended up here…I never would have guessed…I was arrogant about our relationship never thinking we’d end up like “them.” I feel like a patient who goes to the doctors for a routine check up and leaves to find out they have cancer! How could this be? How can something cancerous be eating at us when we felt so good, so right and were even strengthened by one another’s presence. 

I am stuck here now to pick up the pieces on my own and to nurse myself back to health. A bunch of insufficient and detached doctors who have built walls to keep themselves from carrying the burden of others pain.  I have opted into chemotherapy… I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my body aches, my head thuds… I am ready for real recovery….

Rant on rant on rant!

I am so angry! I feel like my life is in constant shambles. I was suppose to begin an internship…that failed. All over me not being able to to provide some stupid documents! Why? What a waste of time! It would have been great to wake up and have something to do…a purpose even if it’s a small one. I drank way too much Saturday and lost my phone and keys, but even worse I lost my pride, dignity and friendships (if you could call them that). Why do I do this to myself? I feel like a masochist. 

I am even worried about my final grades because instead of devoting my time to studying I devoted it to distracting myself by trying to feel good and be with friends. This isn’t like me! I care about my grades, I really do and I was doing so well, but I wanted to shut out all my thoughts. I even lost a library book and got a parking ticket. All this irresponsibility for what? A few hours of fake wholeness and to forget about you. And now, I may be stuck at UCI for a whole extra year because in my irresponsible quest to run away from the pain I forgot to register for classes on time and did not pay my fees. What I am doing? I am poor, in pain, lonely and now I can add irresponsible to the list.

The pain deeper than any of this is that you’re gone. Why? I will never understand why you chose to abandon me. It is not fair to love me so much and then take it away. What are you thinking??? I know you’re not perfect and neither am I, but who cares?! Why can’t we just love each other as we are and grow together. That to me is ultimate love, sticking together through the pain and lows, but growing from one another. I can’t help but to think that the real reason you’re gone is because I’ve over crowded you and now that you’ve had space you realized how much you love being away from me—not having to take care of me and my needs. You can do shows, work, hang out with friends, watch whatever you want and you don’t have this pest that you have to worry about or consider. I feel bad when I think this way of you because I know you just want to improve yourself as a man and so that I can have the love I deserve—but you have to understand, that I really just…don’t understand. I want you to want me wholeheartedly. I miss you so much. Speaking to you is awkward now. Its not the same and that hurts especially because I am suffering so much already…

I guess I can’t rely on anyone except myself—I feel like this is a lesson that is always trying to be taught to me. Well…myself and God! Perhaps that is what He’s been trying to show me…it’s NOT myself I can rely on because clearly I am Queen Self-Destructive, but I need to rely on Him. It is the hardest goal I have ever encountered—even more so than trying to reach med school. It is difficult because as Kendrick Lamar says “I seen people I know pray and catch the Holy Ghost and I wonder why I’ve never caught that feelin’ before.” Sometimes I think He hates me as much as I hate myself, but I remember He is no where near as imperfect as I. He lacks any sort of imperfection in fact, and therefore there’s not a shred of hate in his body, soul or mind. I wish I could feel Him more though, be embraced by His love…

I do not doubt though, don’t get me wrong, I know sometimes my blabber can sound like I don’t even believe He’s real, but that is on the contrary. Sometimes I am reading about the human body and the brain and it baffles me that others can’t see the miracle of us, that we were created so intricately, so amazingly—that a few random atoms compiling together alone couldn’t be responsible for our incredible existence. We are the source of something, someone so Great—so I never doubt Him or His presence in our lives, but I wish I could just feel Him more. I want to be cloaked and hugged by a genuine love as pure as His, but how? Why haven’t I found it yet? I guess this is the point in faith…you have to push through and fight for who and what you love even when there doesn’t seem like a TANGIBLE outcome—the outcome here is being loved in a way no one has or will ever love you—I have to know and believe I deserve that. From there His love will shine through me and I will hopefully be able to spread it like contagion. I need to be more proactive in my seeking of the Lord as well as other aspects of my life…school, work, friendships. The thought and feeling is there, but now for the hard part, the effort.